About to lose me
by Always my monkey man
Summary: When I stood in front of him that day, I had no idea the true thoughts running through his mind.How those feelings coursed through his body and invaded his soul. I thought i knew true love before, I was wrong. BellaxJacob R&R please
1. Chapter 1

**About to lose me**

**It was perfect, I was ready. I was taking the first step into my new life, then everything changed. Everything went to shit.**

_Disclaimer:_ _All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise._ _No copyright infringement is intended._

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><p><strong>Prologue <strong>

"**As easy as breathing"**

**When I stood in front of him that day, I had no idea the true thoughts running through his mind. How those feelings coursed through his body and invaded his soul. The brain is an amazing thing when you consider the things it does, but it is in some ones heart that the true person lies. The actions they take to remain loyal, to protect no matter the pain it incurs. I thought for a long time that I knew what true love meant, that the feelings that I felt for another were of the truest and purest form. I was wrong. **

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><p><strong>Chapter one.<strong>

I stood beneath the cover of the forest. The trees hung high but heavily above me, only allowing a gentle trickle of the pounding rain to hit me on its way down. I was wet through and my thin clothes clung to me like a scared child to its mother. The winter had drawn in quickly and the wind flew around me, hitting me like a hard crack of a whip.

However, as I stood there, staring at his house I felt nothing. It looked hollow and cold; almost as if it never held the love and energy I always associated it with. The same red paint, crackled and almost burnt looking coated the small fragile building, door hung that little bit too high, windows with that little tint to them showing their age. Yes, it was the same building in itself, but without him, it was almost non-existent. It simply faded into the surrounding world, swallowed whole by the deep forest that had now closed in around it.

I felt like an intruder, prying in on something that should just be left alone, allowed to fall and disintegrate into the ground beneath it. However I felt glued in place, memories flashing before me like a worn out movie on repeat. My eyes filled with salty tears, stinging before rolling down my reddened cheeks.

I did this.

"Why are you here Bella?" A gruff voice came from behind me, causing me to fall from my reverie. I turned to find Embry, taller, broader than before. He looked grown up, he looked pissed off.

"I'm, well...I just" I stuttered in reply. I couldn't answer him; I had no idea myself. I sighed heavily and hung my head, unable to keep looking up into his questioning eyes. I had no idea why I was putting myself through this. I knew one of them would turn up; In fact I was shocked it took this long. What wasn't shocking was every time I looked at Embry I saw him staring back at me.

"Bella you need to leave" his voice was deep and harsh. The words striking deep like ice cold daggers straight into my heart, I was expecting it, but it hurt all the same. Unable to lift my head I mumbled incoherently in reply before turning my back. I was buying time, he knew, I knew it.

"Don't do that Bella. Don't act like you're the victim in this. You made your bed so lie in it" Embry growled stepping up behind me and spinning my body to face his. I felt his hands strong but gentle wrapped around my upper arms, the heat melting my frosty skin.

'_It would be as easy as breathing with me Bella'_

The memory pierced into my mind making me flinch back from Embry's grip. I shook my head to clear my mind and looked up at Embry's dark eyes and it broke me. Every part that I had held on to these last few months fell away. Then something in me clicked, I didn't fall to the floor in a helpless mess, I ranted.

"I'm sorry; I didn't get there in time Embry. I'm sorry that I was too caught up in myself to see what was right in front of me, that I didn't listen, didn't act. But he didn't tell me, I didn't know and I can't read minds. I'm only human; I'm not a vampire who remembers everything that's been said. A wolf that could be in his mind to see it. You all hate me because you all think it was my fault, but not one of you told me the truth. You preach about choices, about how I needed to make my own, but how could I when I didn't even know the full story, when I wasn't even told. You all blame me! Well wake up because it's your fault too!" I screamed in his face, fresh tears flowing now like a river down my face. Adrenaline pumped through my veins thick and fast. My fists were balled tight by my sides and I squared up to the trembling wolf before me barely half his size.

"It was your fault too" I growled between clenched teeth.

There was a sudden loud snap and I found myself on the floor a good 4 foot away from Embry, my head hazy and my face throbbing like I was just hit with a sledge hammer. I turned and looked up to find Embry staring at me in shock, his hand still in mind air.


	2. Chapter 2

**About to lose me**

**It was perfect, I was ready. I was taking the first step into my new life, then everything changed. Everything went to shit.**

_Disclaimer:_ _All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise._ _No copyright infringement is intended._

**Chapter two.**

I sat there in a pathetic pile on the floor, mud covered and drenched through. I should have just got up and walked away, at least done something. I couldn't, I sat there whilst he watched me lost in my own world. Just like I did that day. Silent and unmoving, allowing it to simply pass by, another missed opportunity.

I felt like my life was becoming a slow motion movie. One that I was watching, desperate to just jump in and change it all. It all flashed in front of my eyes in harsh jagged movements.

Jake had crashed into the room early that morning and barked his orders. He told me we were going for a walk. There was no option in it; I just did as I was told. So here we were, stood by the water. The sun high in a clear sky. No one around for miles.

"_I never know what to feel when you're around Bella! You never tell me what you're thinking, the silence is deafening. You drive me from furious, to a whimpering pile and back again within minutes. I'm sick and tired of feeling like I'm walking on broken glass, afraid of where to step". _

Jacob paced back and forth, his arms frailing everywhere. His face reddened beneath its russet tones. I stood, head bowed like a naughty child unable to move, to comprehend anything he was telling me.

"_They have gone again. Their lies fall off their tongues like acid through skin, thick and fast. As usual you stand there and swallow them every time. I'm the one left standing here, to piece you back together. I watch you stare into the sky with that emptiness in your eyes. Why? Why does he deserve your thoughts, your tears and I don't? Tell me! Why do you keep trying to put him on that pedestal he fell from long ago? Why when all I want to do is love you, am I never good enough?"_

I flinched away from the memory, clenching my hands in the dirt beneath them. I didn't cry, I couldn't. There was nothing left. I lifted my head to see Embry pacing back and forth like a caged animal, his mouth moving like a rabbit on speed. He was talking I finally acknowledged.

"What?" I mumbled. Embry stilled his movements, his heavy shoulders slumping as he sighed. He didn't look at me he just stared into the trees in front of him.

"Bella, I'm sorry I should never have done that. I just... You have no idea what it was like being in his head. You didn't hear what he thought, how he tried." Embry shook his head like he almost couldn't convince himself of what he heard. "He loved you Bella, you were the air he breathed, the reason for his existence. Without you he choked, he became bitter and cold. What made things worse was he knew. He knew what he was becoming and he was helpless. That's why he did it; He just had to end it. End the pain".

Embry had never looked more like a child to me than he had in that one moment. He was lost, without a friend, a brother. Without his Alpha. It was rare to see a glimpse of the boys as I knew them all those years ago. To see the child within the man's body and behind that steel like expression. I knew why I stayed away. I knew why his house had been left to disappear into the forest. Me.

"Embry I..." My voice trailed off as a rustle of movement came towards us. A large shadow began to become visible before Sam broke through the trees. He had the same pensive look on his face, some things just never changed.

"Embry we need to leave" Sam barked without even acknowledging me.

"I will be with you in a minute" he grumbled in reply.

"Embry there is no use hashing over the past. There is nothing here anymore. Why are you here anyway?"

Embry's head bobbed in my direction before he glanced back down sadly at the floor. Sam's sharp gaze fell on me, I watched as anger flashed through his eyes. He scanned me over before noticing what I assumed was a very large bruise across my cheek. It was almost comical watching his confusion turn to understanding.

"You did that?" He questioned Embry without removing his gaze from me. Examining the damage. Embry didn't answer, he became statuesque. He was scared.

"No, I fell and he found me" I spoke up suddenly, my brain seeming shocked at my mouths movements. A sickly guilty feeling pooled in my stomach. I couldn't just stand by and say nothing, not when he was afraid. I pulled myself to my feet, Sam's eyes never leaving me. I stood tall, well as tall as I could at 5'3''.

"I stumbled and tried to catch myself, thumbed myself in the face as I hit the floor. Embry found me here" My words came out stronger than I thought possible; this wasn't a moment I was going to let go by. Embry was not going to be in the shit because of my outburst.

"Is that true?" Sam asked through his teeth. I knew that he had become very harsh on the boys recently, but I thought the things I had heard were just rumours. I couldn't believe he had become that cruel, apparently I was wrong again. Embry only gave a slight nod, his body rigged.

Sam ground his teeth "You cause too much trouble Swan; I want you off my land. Now!" He bellowed stepping forward, towering above me.

This was no longer the leader I knew; Sam had become nothing but a bully. A nasty and twisted bully. As much as I wanted to keep up the brave act and stand up to him. Unfortunately this bully was a 6 foot something stupid heap of muscle and this was not the time. I bowed my head, stepping back and away from him before turning on my heels and high tailing it to my car.

The night was drawing in fast and as I ran, the rain falling hard. I stopped still as I heard a loud snap before I blood curdling howl hit the sky.

"Embry?"


	3. Chapter 3

**Just a short update after work, hoping to do full chapter tomorrow thought I would just give you a bit of a taster :D  
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**Chapter three**

Pathetic, that pretty much summed up how I feel right now. I had managed to battle my way through the forest and come out pretty much unscathed. I needed to put ice on my face, I needed to go to bed. No what I needed to do was stop ignoring the truth and finally grow a pair.

Not only had I not had the balls to go back to Embry, I now didn't have them to call and check on him. So I sat here, wide awake with a swollen face at 4am, repeatedly tapping my fingers on the table. I was in the exact place I had been for the past hour, no ice but a whole bunch of useless ideas.

I must have thought up a million and one excuses to call, and talked myself straight back out of them. I couldn't call, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't even decide between tea and coffee. The rain hammered on the windows as the harsh wind whirled amongst the trees. The storm seemed to be having one last go at it before dying out for the night. Not only could he be in pain, you would be cold and wet too, fantastic.

I was going to be sat here all night at this rate. I had to think of the best way to tackle this, how to help and not be a hindered. I had caused enough trouble with the pack; maybe sticking my nose in wasn't the wisest idea. On the other hand Embry could be really hurt, whilst Sam plays dickhead of the year as stand in alpha. I was getting nowhere fast as my head began to throb, like a sumo wrestler was squishing my brain.

"ugh," I grunted, slamming my head against the table. "Bella swan you are a coward, an idiotic coward".

"well, now that's not strictly true," came a deep voice behind me. I froze sitting bolt upright in my chair, feeling the warmth of his breath on my neck. So caught up in my thoughts, I had completely missed the sound of the window opening.

My brain bounced into overload, my body having other ideas leaving me lifeless in the chair. A concoction of questions ran through my mind; how to escape? Who to call? Why do I recognise that voice? Should I scream? Why do I recognise that voice?

"I know you," I spluttered, my mouth once again refusing to connect with my brain. I felt the hair on the back of my neck stand on edge as he moved slightly closer. He inhaled deeply before blowing back a cool breeze across my neck.

"Do you?" I could almost hear the smirk in his voice. His voice was rough, and his throat gave a gentle whistle as he breathed in and out. It was so quiet you would have missed it, if I hadn't been so close. He smelt of the ocean, mixed with dirt and cut grass. There was something about him; no matter how terrified I felt calmed me.

However the more I racked by brain for answers, the more it screamed back that I already had them.

"Get back to me on that one," he mumbled pulling me back to the present. "Now, Isabella in 2 minutes, I will be gone. I need you to get up, go to the phone and call Quil Atera. Tell him to go on shift immediately and release Embry Call for the night. Answer no questions. Then I need you to go upstairs to bed and sleep. Everything will be sorted," he ordered.

"And Isabella..."

"Hmmm?" I mumbled.

"Learn to lock your windows," he growled.

As fast as it appeared, I felt his presence shift behind me and disappear.

My breathing slowed along with my heart, just as I began to hear the gentle tapping of the rain on the closed window, the wind in the trees. As if forced, my body automatically moved without command up and out of the chair. I walked to the window locking it before, pacing quickly across the kitchen and straight to the phone. I followed every step as directed. Within a few moments I found myself very confused but very drowsy tucked up in bed. Before I even had the chance to question things further I was asleep, feeling calmer and safer than I had done in months.


	4. Chapter 4

**hey, this one is a little longer. I hope you enjoy it. let me know what you think, for some reason it wont let me space it out the way I want sorry.**

**P.S. there is a video trailer that will give you a few hints of things to come here http:/www. youtube. com/watch?v= wKuQDZugOEo (without the spaces) tell me what you think. its a little rough but I gave it a go :D**

**Chapter four**

I woke up to the sound of yelling coming from outside. In a foolish attempt to block out the noise, I burrowed down into the quilt dragging a pillow with me to cover my head. It failed miserably as the screaming only seemed to get loader. Grunting and groaning as I unwillingly pulled myself from my bed, stumbled towards the door and opened it with a sharp yank. Rubbing the sleep from my eyes I plodded out of the room before smashing straight into the door.

"Wait... what... I opened that" I mumbled to myself rubbing my head before looking up. I was now face to face with a smirking Quil. Well smirking until he saw my new colouring spread across my cheek.

"What the hell happened? Are you ok? Does it hurt?" He gently lifted my face before panic filled his features and began checking me all over. Seeing no other marks he moved closer.

"Quil I'm ok, really I just fell...Quil...QUIL!" Yelling got me nowhere. It was too late; he had already picked me up and was now walking with me downstairs to the sofa. After which he proceeded to place me down on it, as if I was a precious diamond, before running off and returning ice wrapped in a towel.

"Here, it probably won't do much now but it might help" he pushed the ice into my hand, then up to my face.

"Now, what happened?" He continued. He sat patiently waiting for an explanation, staring at me like I had all the answers to the worlds questions. I sighed heavily.

"Look it all happened before I called you last night, I was out, I tripped and..."

"You didn't call me last night," Quil interrupted looking confused.

"Yes I did, last night remember. You took a shift from Embry... EMBRY! Oh my god is he ok" The thought bolted through my mind and I practically bounced off the sofa.

"Erm... yeah course he is. Why wouldn't he be?" Quil appeared completely lost, a line forming between his eyes.

"No reason," I back tracked "must have been a bad dream" I lied badly. My eyes averting to the floor.

"Yeah huh, well anyways. You didn't call me last night Bella. I spoke to some unexpected people, but not you" Sudden rustling made me look up to see Quil now shifting uncomfortably in his seat. He looked like a child with holding a secret he was desperate to tell.

"Quil, who did you speak to last night," I prodded.

"No one," he snapped back

"So why are you suddenly acting all shifty?" I was pushing my luck, it was clear how uncomfortable he was getting but I needed to know. I hated being out of the loop.

"I'm not shifty," he laughed "I'm Mr cool, check this out" he said slouching back on the sofa, kicking up his feet as he turned to me, giving me what I assumed was supposed to be a smooth smile. When he began wiggling his eyebrows, I couldn't hold back the smile as it cracked across my face. I knew he was trying to distract me, but I also knew pushing it was going to get me nowhere fast.

"So, what brings you over then Quil?" I asked suddenly.

It had just dawned on me that if Quil didn't recall me phoning why on earth would he just turn up here. Plus who was he arguing with outside. It had been a good four months since any of the boys had visited me, let alone with a smile on their face. Some thing was very off.

"Ok you got me. I swapped shifts with Embry during the night because he covered for me on mine a while back. I caught a few bits in his mind as we changed over, saw you at the Res and with that pretty new colouring you have across your cheek. I thought I better come check up on you." He explained, never looking at me once.

Lying little crap bag. There was no way in hell that was why he was here. I was stuck with a cast on my arm following my venture down to the Res last time. Not one of them checked up on me then, and they all knew about it. I had heard them running past not long before my dad turned up to collect me.

He isn't checking up, he is keeping guard. I am not playing this game; no one keeps me under lock and key.

"Well that's nice of you but actually I have things to do" I stood up abruptly forcing a change in the situation. I wanted the upper hand, it was my house. My rules.

"Aw come on Bells...a" he tripped over his words causing me to cringe. "We need to catch up, lets watch a movie or something?" he continued not moving from his spot.

"Not today thank you," I replied remaining strong.

"Look Bella..."

"No... out please," I cut him off sharply, pointing straight to the door. Quil slowly stood, brushing himself down before looking at me with a sad expression. He shook his head and turned towards the door mumbling to himself. Walking out the door he turned towards me one last time.

"Bella, going back there won't change what happened. You can't change the past," He spoke strongly. "Doesn't mean you can't affect the future though," he finished cryptically before swiftly leaving and jogging towards the forest.

I stood in my living completely dumb struck. I had no idea what the hell he was talking about; to be honest I had no real idea why he was even here. I had never felt so clueless before in my life. Regaining my composure I decided coffee was a good idea and made my way into the kitchen.

After pouring the coffee I walked to the table and sat down. That's when it all flashed back to me, the stranger in my kitchen. His cool breath across my neck, that unusual but familiar smell, his voice. I was broken from my thoughts as the phone began to ring. I scrambled to my feet and picked it up a little breathless.

"Hello?" I breathed out.

"All out of puff huh? You been thinking about me?" His smooth voice shot through me like a bullet through butter. I wasn't losing my mind. Last night happened and now he is calling me. Well better than appearing in my house.

"How do you have my number?" I barked back, more angry than I previously realized.

"Now, now, that's no way to speak to a caller now is it" He replied sarcastically. "Now munchkin as you did so well last night you gotta to follow a few more instructions".

"I don't think so, I don't even know you" I snapped back.

"Well who told you that? You know me, you just don't recognise me" I could almost feel his shit eating grin drip down the phone.

"Oh stop with the games, who are you?" I was going to let it drop, I wasn't afraid anymore. He wasn't stood behind me, creeping around my house. He was on the other end of the phone and it was broad daylight. What idiot would try and come in during the middle of the day. Keeping that thought in my mind, I wasn't about to take any chances. I pulled the phone cord and stretched awkwardly across the hall and locked the front door.

"Well I'm glad you have learnt to lock the doors and windows, but you really shouldn't stretch that way. You could hurt yourself," he sniggered down the phone. I spun on my heel and looked around me. My breathing doubled in time as my heart jumped into my throat. He could see me.

"I need you to calm down," he cooed gently down the phone. I leant back against the wall and anxiously I began to take long deep breaths in and out. I slid down to the floor and placed my head between my legs. Looking at the floor, I wanted it to swallow me up, however I was now strangely a lot calmer than before.

"There we go, now as I said I need you to follow a few more instructions. I need you to go and change, drive to the Reservation and visit Seth Clearwater. You need to explain that your father won't be home tonight and you have a concussion from last night. The hospital has told you that you need to stay with someone to watch you. He will accept. Do not mention speaking to me or the events of last night to anyone. You fell and that's it." With that I was met with the sharp ringing of the dial tone as he hung up.

I let go of the phone, letting it dangle down beside me. This was ridiculous. I was following some stranger's instructions willingly. I had no idea why, but for some unknown reason I simply felt compelled to. Like a force within me was guiding me through my actions and my brain just went along with it. To be honest all I felt right now was sick.


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey everyone sorry for it taking so long heres a new chapter hoping to update a little more often now. hope you like and leave a comment :D  
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**Chapter five**

"so you're sure the hospital are happy your home and not in for the night? Is there any instructions? Do you need to be woken up every 2 hours? Maybe I could dump you in a cold bath..." he trailed off his head stuck deep in the fridge.

"Seth I..."

"Are you hungry? Thirsty? I could make fajitas... yeah I will do that..." he decided by himself before pulling out of the fridge, ingredients piled high in his arms stumbling a little before pouring them on the kitchen side.

"really I don't need"

"I should change the sheets on the bed...and get some ice cream, girls always like ice cream" he rambled on starting the washing up.

"Seth seriously im..."

"im sure leah has girl shit somewhere, like candles and things that smell like flowers..." he stated spinning on the spot, bubbles taking to the air in his wake.

"I give up," I grumbled to myself, slumping back into the chair. I watched as Seth threw chicken out of the fridge on to the side before running upstairs and back down to rummage through the cupboards.

He went back and forth more times than a ball in a tennis match, it was like watching a hyperactive three year old on speed. I quickly came to the conclusion that there was little point trying to interrupt him and made myself comfortable with the 8th cup of tea he had made me in the past hour.

I was just drifting into my own little world when an all mighty crash came from the living room. I jumped up and towards the noise to find Seth twisted up in a pile of sheets thrashing around like a fish caught in a net.

I tried not to, I did, but it took all of 2 minutes before I was practically on the floor crying with laughter.

"Not funny," Seth growled his struggle coming to an end. "Help?" He whimpered pathetically.

Between laughter I managed to crawl across the floor and tug the sheet about until Seth was free and we both collapsed back on to the floor.

"Seth you don't have to do all this, it's just me. Honestly I'm happy with a blanket and the sofa." I turned my head to smile at him. His eyes became glassey and he grabbed me pulling me into a tight hug. I felt his warm sink slowly into my skin and snuggled in closer, it was like being hugged by a teddy bear. He held me so tight but so gentle, like a father holding his child for the first time. It wasn't long until everything he was bottling up began bubbling out.

"I missed you Bella, I need a friendly face about the place. Things have been pretty messed up around here recently" he began sighing as he shook his head.

"Sam is strutting about like the king of the castle. Ya know even Paul is cowering back from him these days, what the fuck is that? Leah avoids the Rez at all possible times, Quil just keeps to himself and Embry... he is a total fuck up, between the pills and girls he is rotting himself inside out," Seth pulled back and suddenly fell silent a look of fear shadowing his young eyes realizing how much he had just told.

"Seth it's ok, I won't say anything" I splutterd.

"I know it's just...I shouldn't... this isn't your problem. You need to stay out of this," before I knew it Seth was on his feet and disappeared in to the kitchen.

I lay back on the floor, slowly resigning myself to the fact I was well and truly out of the loop and out of the pack family. This was not right, regardless of me leaving I couldn't just stand and watch this go on. I had no clue what had happened, but after been smacked in the face, it was now my problem if they like it all not I have been involved in it and I deserved answers. With that thought firmly in my mind, my stubbornness kicked in. I got up on to my feet and strolled in to the kitchen.

"Hey Clearwater! You are going to listen up. I'm back now, and I'm here to stay so you better get explaining cause you know it's better out than in. I'm not just going to stand back and let this carry on!

So once I'm up to date will start to fix it all, I will go see Paul and let's face it once he sees me I'm sure he will be back in his normal arse hole ways. We will get Quil, and I will set him up with every innuendo going until he buckles and then I will get Embry and smack him round the head with a pan because well... he deserves it... then we will lock him in a room until he is clean and take him down the clinic for shots just in case." I suddenly felt incredibly empowered and short of breath.

I took a deep breath in and righted myself before nodding my head. I was so on the ball right now, Seth on the other hand looked more like he had lost something, and wasn't sure where to start looking. I started to wave my hands in front of his face before I was distracted by the phone ringing.

"Erm... should I get that? Yeah ok I will" I turned and picked up the phone watching a still unblinking Seth. "Hello?"

"You broke him," came a husky voice.

"I did not! I think it was a perfectly good plan"

"He isn't even blinking," he stated.

"Yes well its fine, I will just erm... I will... how did I break him?" It suddenly dawned on me exactly who I was speaking to, not only that but I was just chatting away like it was normal to have some mystery stalker guy. "What exactly do you want? I did as you asked why are you following me?" I growled.

"Well look at you, you're on a roll today. I like you with a little spunk, I'm pretty sure Seth didn't see that one coming. Quiet little Bella has balls, who would have thought it." The smirk evident in his voice.

"You're jack arse you know that right?" I bit back.

"Well now that isn't nice is it... oh look he blinked" he replied distracted.

"Yes well that's because I did _not_ break him, I'm going now," I said abruptly hanging up the phone and returning to Seth.

"You ok?" I asked my putting my hands on his shoulders giving him a little shake

"Yeah huh, who was on the phone?" he answered snapping out of his haze.

"I dunno" I shrugged

"Oh ok, well I like your plan there's one problem" Seth began "Sam..."

"Oh"


End file.
